I'm no Joe Pendleton

I've been sick for days, trying to shake a cold that became a sinus headache, that became a toothache, that became an earache, that became pressure on my eyes and temples, that became a migraine, that became a stuffy nose, a runny nose, gridlock congestion, paralyzing coughing fits, phlegm reservoir as big as Lake Michigan, sneezing fits, chills, fever, and a chest cold that brings to mind the clammy depths of Gollum in those underground caves.

It is entirely fitting that at this point, with sleep coming in hour and a half increments, I am almost completely delusional. However, at this moment...1:35am, April 09, 2007, that delusion has granted me clarity.

While I recognize that outside factors may be the agents of change in our internal systems, I believe our health is mostly symptomatic, even the direct result, of the lives we lead. Sickness, while kicked off by a lack of sleep, is due to lack of attitudinal health. Carry around guilt, fear, and loathing, and your body carries it around with you.

So for the past few months, while I have worked long hours and chased a ragged schedule, I have carried a burden of guilt with me regarding the demise of an important relationship in my life that has been collecting bacterial debris every step of the way. I put it in a manageable place and closed the lid. Finally, when the job ended, when I let down my guard, when I finally opened the jar of my emotions, it all came rushing out...foaming, pussing, dripping, screaming, snotting, leaking, and oozing sickness reflecting the confused mess that lives inside me.

As if Warren Beatty in Heaven Can Wait, I find my body laid up in bed while in my mind I stand in the pillowy clouds of my consciousness, a new unforeseen possibility of a different life sets before me...well, as soon as I shake the fucking cough from this body, that is.